Santa Clarita Elder Attorney Jane McNamara

PARENT/CHILD ROLE REVERSAL

By Jane M. McNamara, Elder Law Attorney

Most elderly persons want to be independent and remain in their homes as long as possible. Many times, they resent their adult children trying to “help” them. In the elderly parents mind, they are still independent and completely able to handle their own affairs. Mom resents her daughter suggesting it is time for an “assisted living” facility. Dad resents his son’s insistence that dad is an unsafe driver, and the car must be sold. The parents don’t want help paying the bills, even if the bills are always late, and shudder at the suggestion of putting their children on their bank accounts. They feel their adult children are being too pushy, and trying to take control of their lives. They fear losing their independence, and ultimately, having to go into a nursing home.

In contrast, the adult child feels the parent isn’t thinking clearly anymore, and believes the parent simply refuses to listen to reason. The adult child feels the parent/child roles have been reversed, and the parent should be forced into a different way of life for their own good.

This is a very common scenario. The parent’s fierce sense of independence escalates, and the child simply doesn’t understand the parent’s need to feel independent. It is difficult to find a happy medium. Unless the child seeks to declare the parent “incapacitated” through a court proceeding, the child has to realize that in the eyes of the law, the parent may make their own decisions. However, it is important that the adult child watch the situation carefully and not simply get “fed up” and leave the parent to their own devices. Is the parent, through their attempt to fiercely prove their independence, making decisions which are improper? We have seen the elderly make decisions to show they are still “in charge,” only to result in disaster. Decisions like entering into unnecessary reverse mortgages, purchasing inappropriate annuities, and bringing in “roommates” who turn out to be financial abusers. The adult children must find a way to monitor the situation, yet not be too controlling. “Assisting” does not mean “taking over” against their parent’s will. Too many children have simply given up when their “help” is not accepted. The elderly years can be as tumultuous as the teenage years. The elderly need “assistance” with respect, and not made to feel like a child, even if the parent/child roles have truly been reversed.